The Cloverfield Paradox

Time for an As-It-Happens film review on this rainy Valentine's Day.

Cool, three white guys, one black guy, one Mideastern guy, an Asian chick and our star, the grieving African American girl with the loving husband waiting at home. Her name is Hamilton. I shall henceforth call her Hammy. Hammy and her husband had two kids, but they appear to have died for reasons as yet unexplained, although it may have something to do with the apocalyptic energy crisis which Hammy must go up into space to fix on a space station with the aforementioned ethnic crew, a shitload of earthworms (?) and a massive particle accelerator. I'm getting definite Arrival vibes here.

In space, no one cares about your lip gloss.

Volkov: Simon Pegg's evil twin. Also, I'm guessing it's not a coincidence that his name sounds like "fuck off."

Thank you, Trump's personal physician for providing us with the plot in advance.

How do you lose the whole Earth? Check under the couch cushions. Who had it last?

Pretty sure astronauts never sit around looking pensive. They're always floating around, pressing buttons and flipping switches. I watch the Discovery channel.

Oh man, you lost the gyro too? Wait, what's a gyro? Isn't that like a lamb sandwich with dill sauce?

And we've just found a random chick (this one white, just to balance things out) embedded in the wall of the spaceship. Okay, nice nod to the Philadelphia Experiment.

Foosball, Matruschka dolls...I sense metaphors signaling plot points. Must be patient.

Great, evil Russian Simon Pegg just turned into Thom Yorke, has a gun and has vomited up his oatmeal.

Wait, why did they have earthworms on board to begin with? Were they going to go fishing in space? And why did Not Simon Pegg eat them?

HAHA, *flatline beep*. I thought that said *flatulence beep*. pHaRtZ r PhUnNie.

White Girl has awoken. Her name is Mina and she brought along her Smash Box travel kit with ivory bisque matte foundation and pink diamond eye shadow.

k so - Mina says that the white guy who looks like a puppy is The Bad Guy and she's been there along, even though she hasn't, and back on earth, everything has turned into The Mist via District 9. Everyone on Earth thinks the space station has disappeared and everyone on the space station thinks the Earth has disappeared and the exceptionally hairy white guy just lost his arm in the wall. Oh wait no, there it is...crawling around all Ash Evil Dead. The arm tells them (srsly) to perform an autopsy on Asshole Russian Dead Guy.

Oh, the gyro was in his stomach. Well that explains the vomiting. Greek food, y'know?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, loving husband has found a little kid named Molly in the burned out ruins of...um, where are they? New York? London? Circle Pines? Whatever.

Okay so I think I know what's going on now. They ripped a hole in the space-time thingy with their Higgs Boson doohickey and now they're in a different dimension where a different crew was sent up and all died, so now they have to get back to the other dimension which could kill Mina but will save them, except the Asian chick drowns (srsly) but maybe not in the other dimension and ... oh sorry, I got busy ordering a pizza on Grub Hub and lost track for 30 seconds.

Alright, in this dimension Hammy's kids are still alive (guess they both died in a house fire in the other dimension) and holy shit, a steak and buffalo chicken pizza with bleu cheese? Oooo, and a coupon for a free 2 liter bottle of Pepsi! I prefer Coke, but fuck it, it's free!

Mina is the Bad Guy and maybe a side order of jalapeño poppers will help clear up my sinuses. Should probably order a salad too, just so all that meat and cheese doesn't sit in my colon like a big fat plug of wadded up soggy toilet paper. Yeah, I knew she was going to turn out to be bad because she's too calm and poised and looks like a blonde Trinity from The Matrix. Or that chick from Haute Tension who ended up making out with Matt Damon in that one movie that I can't remember the name of.

Ooo, Cloverfield monster. The end. Wow. What happened? Who cares? My pizza is here.