Thursday, August 15, 2019

St. Agatha

Tits on a dish.
Saint Agatha was a third century Christian martyr, who took a sacred vow of virginity at the age of 15. This annoyed some jerk named Quintianus who really wanted to fuck marry her, so he had her tortured and raped before finally ordering her tits to be cut off. Agatha is now the patron saint of rape victims, breast cancer patients, martyrs, wet nurses, bell-founders, bakers, fire, earthquakes, and eruptions of Mount Etna. She also has absolutely nothing to do with this movie. 

Truth be told, this movie doesn't even have anything to do with this movie. It touts itself as a horror movie on Netflix, but it's not. You think maybe "Oooh, haunted convent!" but no. Then maybe you're tempted to believe that you're in for a "secret coven of witchy Satanic nuns" but you're wrong again. All St. Agatha turns out to be is a slightly more sadistic retelling of the Georgia Tann story, the Depression era baby broker who had several episodes of Unsolved Mysteries episodes made about her and the many lives she ruined. 


St. Agatha is the uneven story of teenage Mary, a poor, white trash Southern girl whose momma is dead, whose daddy is a no-good drunkard who likes to use his fists, and whose boyfriend Jimmy is just really annoying and dumb. For some reason, Mary has a cute baby brother who is killed off in a dumb accident while Mary screws Jimmy in the next room. It's the first of many unnecessary plot devices that pop up during the course of this film, do nothing to drive the story along and then disappear altogether. There's absolutely no reason for Baby Brother to ever have existed, except to pop up in one lame nightmare sequence.

Mary gets herself knocked up good and runs off with Jimmy to start a new life in another crappy Southern town, where their main source of income is running rigged poker games in divey juke joints and conning dumb crackers out of their money. For some reason that failed to stick with me, Jimmy has to blow town and abandons Mary at a soup kitchen, where a seemingly kindly nun slips her a card and a promise to help her. Following the address on the card, Mary finds herself at an isolated convent/home for unwed mothers, where she is offered food, shelter and a safe place to give birth when the time comes. 


But things are not what they seem! Because of course they aren't. This wants to be a horror movie so bad, but it really doesn't know how to deliver. It offers us creepy noises coming from the attic, but never follows up on who or what is up there. There are scenes of faceless nuns and hooded boogeymen wandering around at night, being creepy, but there's no real reason for this spookshow shit at all. It's suggested that the Mother Superior (actually a very entertaining character portrayed by a delightfully sadistic Carolyn Hennesy) is doing all of this crazy shit in an effort to make the girls question their sanity and appear unstable, but considering we've already seen her and her fellow Sisters of Sadism threatening and beating the girls, forcing one to cut off her tongue and another to eat her own vomit, are the haunted house tactics really necessary?

No. They're not. There's no big spooky secret waiting to be revealed here, no diabolical plot, just a bunch of evil, greedy women selling babies to the highest bidders. It's a story that could have been told without all of the Halloween window dressing, but let's be real, it still wouldn't have been very good no matter what genre it tried to cram itself into. 


Just a couple of glaring errors I'd like to point out...

#1 - The term "gaslighting" did not exist back then, and wouldn't have for at least another forty years.

#2 - Why is one woman shown ingesting rat poison and collapsing almost instantly while another wanders around for damn near half an hour and finally has to be manually strangled to death?

#3 - Who was in the attic, for fucks sake? We see a face peering down from the holes in the ceiling but are never told who was up there, or why.

#4 - What exactly was the point of trying to force Mary to change her name?

#5 - The use of obviously modern money in a movie set in the 1940s. That was just sloppy. You couldn't afford to just print out pictures of bills made back then? 

#6 - Who the hell was the black guy? Did they just forget about him? 

#7 - The whole convoluted escape plan and the final scene, wherein nothing is explained, no payoff is forthcoming and all of the loose ends are left dangling in the breeze. Why the hell did I just waste time watching this when we never find out what happens to Mary and her baby, or the evil Mother Superior? 


I don't know who the critics were whose quotes appear on the film poster, but this movie is not brilliant, or smart, or terrifying. It's clumsy, slow and has a serious identity problem. And the worst part? Nobody's tits get cut off. A great opportunity, pissed away. 

By the way; did you know that on St Agatha's Feast Day, little cakes called Agatha Buns, made to look like tits, are served in her honor? Complete with cherries for nipples? Now that's horror. 

MST3k - The Human Duplicators

The Human Duplicators
akaEht Numah Srotacilpud!
Year released: 1965
Directed by: Hugo Grimaldi,
Starring: Ward Cleaver, Richard OmhmygodI'mhuge, Polly Holiday, some stiff, Dolores Faith and a couple of red hot nurses.

Richard Dawson Kiel, September 13, 1939 – September 10, 2014
Plot: Ginormous cyborg alien Undiet Kolos comes to Earth to start a butt collection. He is thwarted in his plans by a flap of cardboard in a suit, cardboard's blowzy blond girlfriend and a World Champion Blind pianist and professional Mr. B Natural imitator named Lisa who has never eaten a sandwich in her life. After failing to make an army of evil Hummel figurines and going against his programming by falling in love with Lisa, Kolos leaves Earth and returns to his own planet where he plans to have himself destroyed for being such a sap. The end.


Richard Dawson Kiel, who played Kolos, just died the other day. Cause of death has not yet been confirmed or released. Afflicted with acromegaly, the 7 foot 2 inch tall Kiel went from nightclub bouncer to actor to born again Christian marketer. His first Big Screen appearance was in Phantom Planet, in which he played "Exposed Brain Football Playing Puppy Alien" apparently. Thanks to this film - which was every bit as genre changing as 2001: A Space Odyssey (in that it wasn't at all), Rich got cast in this cheesy installment in the clone wars saga, alongside his Phantom Planet costar Dolores Faith.

Check out Dolores. Wasn't she hot? A tiny little china doll of a girl. Her life was short and her career unremarkable. She was only 48 when she died in Miami, after divorcing her millionaire Texas coffee heir husband Bob Neal. The only other thing I could find out about her was that she had a sister named Gigi, spent time in an orphanage and was deaf for a couple of years as a young child. She plays the blind Lisa here in Duplicators and played the mute Zetha in Phantom Planet. I'm only slightly disappointed that she didn't get cast as a paraplegic in a film called Mars Needs Flushing Toilets, or maybe a clubfoot named Tansy in the film adaptation of the Broadway musical "Don't Look At My Butt."

Let's see, what else?
Man this film is boring. There's not much in the way of trivia to be found, except for the small fact that it was Hugh Beaumont's last film. Can you believe he had 139 screen roles in his life? And three of those ended up on MST3K - The Human Duplicators, The Mole People and Lost Continent, aka "Rock Climbing."

George Nader, who played (rather woodenly) the Male Lead aka the super secret agent who blows the sinister case wide open, was actually a decent human being. He...ya know what? I'm just going to let you read about him for yourself.



Wow.
Kinda makes me wonder if that whole "Tom and Crow come out of the robot closet" closing sketch was a nod to Nader's sacrifice?


Servo: “Joel, Crow and I are robots and we want the world to know!”
Joel: "Well I knew that. It's more than a little obvious, okay?.”

Wrong Numbers

Telephone phobia (telephonophobiatelephobia) is reluctance or fear of making or taking phone calls, literally, "fear of telephone".Telephone phobia is also considered to be a type of social phobia or social anxiety problem. It is often compared to glossophobia, in that both require engaging with an audience to a certain extent, followed by the fear of being criticized, judged or made a fool of.
The fear of telephones can range from the action or thought of answering and receiving calls to the actual ringing produced by the telephone. The ringing sound can generate a string of anxieties, characterized by thoughts associated with having to speak, perform and converse. Many of those suffering from this phobia may perceive the other end as threatening or intimidating, or may worry about finding an appropriate time to call, in fear of being a nuisance.

Another source of anxiety comes from the lack of body language, which no longer becomes available through the telephone and results in the individual losing their sense of control. Past experiences, such as overhearing something traumatic or an unpleasant and angry call, may also play a part in creating fear. Sufferers typically report fear that they would fail to respond appropriately in a telephone conversation, and fear finding nothing to say, which would end in embarrassing silence, stammering, or stuttering.The associated avoidance behavior includes asking others (e.g. relatives at home) to take their phone calls and exclusive use of answering machines.
Another reason is the sufferers may believe that people who call them bear bad or upsetting news, or that the person on the other end may be a prank caller.
Of course, another explanation for Telephobia could be that we horror fans know that when the phone rings on a dark night when you're all alone...ain't no good news comin' down that line.

Horror's Scariest Phone Calls!

Black Christmas, 1974
Oh, were you being incredibly wrong and thinking that When A Stranger Calls was the first phone horror flick? Nope, sorry Wrongy WrongFace - Black Christmas got there first, a full five years before Stranger was made. 
I'm not sure which is more upsetting: the first phone call, in which "The Moaner" (as the girls of the sorority house have nicknamed him) squeals, grunts, giggles, screams and demands that the girls allow him to "lick their pretty piggy cunts" or one of the final phone calls, in which Mr. Moaner (who has now also been revealed to be Mr. Serial Killer as well) shrieks at a pregnant Olivia Hussey that her decision to have an abortion is "just like having a wart removed." Considering this was 1974, the vulgarity on display here is - and remains - genuinely chilling and shocking. And all of this was made possible by the jolly guy who brought us A Christmas Story just ten years later.

When A Stranger Calls, 1979

Okay, quitcher bitchin', here it is...the penultimate Freaky Phone Call Flick. Pretty little thirty two year old teenager Jill scores a job babysitting for a doctor's kids. The children are already asleep and Jilly has the whole house to herself. W00t! Time to study! Wait, what? Wow, what a nerd. Oh sure, she gives her slutty friend a call only to find out that Skanky VonSlutPants has stolen her boyfriend and thus promptly loses her interest in wanton socializing. She doesn't even peek into the medicine cabinets for Valiums or raid the fridge or check to see if Doc has subscriptions to the Spice channel. Nope, just sits there and does her homework.  That is, until British serial killer Duncan starts calling, asking her why she's neglecting her duties as a babysitter and not venturing upstairs to check on the children. After all, he's just torn them both apart with his bare hands, ripping them open like sleeping bags and playing tinker toys with their organs. How dare she not admire his work?


A Nightmare On Elm Street, 1984

Oh boy. Remember that one creepy janitor in your grammar/junior/high school? The one that always smelled like old sandwiches and had dark, oily, questionable stains on his trousers? The one who would always stop whatever he was doing and stare at you without blinking as you walked by? Imagine him slipping his tongue into your mouth, a tongue that tastes like rotten eggs and sour milk and has a texture not unlike pork gristle. Oooo yeah, baby. Hot stuff. The only thing about this movie that I found utterly unbelievable was the fact that Nancy did not immediately run to the bathroom, throw up, reach for a toothbrush, a bottle of Ajax, some bleach and a blowtorch. There aren't enough starlight mints in the world to clean that taste out of your mouth. 

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, 1986
Supercool Texas cowgirl and hip rock DJ Stretch doesn't have time for immature little teenage goo goo mucks prank calling her on the air...until their final call erupts in a volcanic shitstorm of horrified screams and the sharp roar of a chainsaw. Stretch, knowing she's just heard a murder, can't get the phone call out of her head. Shit, who could? Luckily, she records it. Stubbornly, she plays it on the air, hoping to catch the killers. Unfortunately, the killers hear it first and show up at the radio station. 



First you watch the tape, then you get the call. It's Sadako, the soggy corpse girl down in the well, calling to confirm your appointment to die in seven days time. Not that she actually tells you straight out, not in so many words. Instead, you get a disturbing chorus of high pitched sounds, like nails on sheet metal, razors on a chalkboard, a rusty screw being yanked out of a decades old rust bucket with a high speed drill. By the time your tympanic membranes have recovered from the shock, your face is imploding from the force of Sadako's rage, wrenching your jaw aside to sag grotesquely and leaving your audience behind to dread the inevitable American remake and all of its abysmal sequels.

White Fright


White!' he sneered. 'It serves as a beginning. White cloth may be dyed. The white page can be overwritten; and the white light can be broken.' ~ Saruman the White

Why are albinos so scary? Is it the idea that the absence of pigmentation is somehow directly equivalent to the void where their soul(s) should be? White is a scary color, man. Fuck black - black has substance, a texture you can feel. Even the bloodiest shade of crimson has life in it - pulsing, vivid, sparkling life. But white is the absence of color. It is cold and empty. It's sterility incarnate, lifeless, severely antiseptic, incapable of sustaining life and hard as glass. White is a void where colors go to die.

I've never known an albino, but I doubt they're evil by nature. They're just people, lacking in tyrosinase, a copper-containing enzyme. Big whoop. I have a lopsided amount of red blood cells swimming around in my veins, but no one ever casts me as the Evil Anemic. However, albinos always seem to end up being thrown into horror movies as villains: silent, stiff and imposing, utterly lacking in emotion.

The first one I can recall is a character named Whispering Death, from a 1976 German horror film called The Night of the Askari, Death in the Sun and, most obviously, Albino. I've never actually seen it, but I remember reading about it in some film review book or another many years ago and being intrigued. It's been uploaded to YouTube but I didn't feel like watching it before I wrote this article because goddammit I'm tired and I just wanted to write this one little article about albinos before I go to bed, okay? Is that so wrong?

Anyway, Christopher Lee is in this, as is Sybil Danning, so it can't be all bad. Actually, its rating on IMDb is rather good.







The first movie I recall actually seeing with my own eyes that contained a Big Bad Albino was 1978's Foul Play. Man I loved that movie as a kid. I used to go around shouting "Kojak! Bang bang!" in a pseudo-Asian accent and it was okay because I was a kid and it was the 70s. Anyway, if you're a completely brain dead twit and have never seen this comedic homage to The Man Who Knew Too Much, you suck. Non-albino actor William Frankfather played Whitey Jackson who, as it turns out, is not that football player who wears pantyhose on TV. Nope, Whitey is a hired hit man working for big bad crime lord The Dwarf, and his job is to run around San Francisco in a spotless white suit, scaring the shit out of Goldie Hawn and never saying a single fucking word because he's so badass. His silver-white eyes are freakier than Linda Blair's contact lenses in The Exorcist.

On the other end of the spectrum (literally) is 1970s Barf Bag B-Flick Mark of the Devil. I bring this film up not because it features an albino, but because it doesn't. Reggie Nalder plays a guy named Albino, a sadistic, lecherous, not-very-nice-at-all witch finder. Albino is not an albino, so why he's called Albino is an utter mystery. However, Reggie played the hit man in Hitchcock's film The Man Who Knew Too Much which was the inspiration for Foul Play so maybe making the hit man in Foul Play an albino was a nod to Albino the not-albino as played by the guy who played the hit man in The Man Who Knew Too Much playing a guy named Albino in Mark of the Devil! Right? You guys see the connection there, right? Guys?

Fine. Let's skip ahead a decade and check in with 1986's Vamp, a seriously fucking balls-out weirdo vampire film which I still can't decide if I liked or not. It was certainly original if nothing else. And it features Super Sleaze King Billy Drago as an albino gang leader/pimp named Snow. Billy is the farthest thing from an albino someone can get without actually being black. He's swarthy and oily with a reptilian smile and cold shark eyes. But he went all out for this flick, bleaching his eyebrows and apparently storing himself inside of a flour bin at the back of a deep freeze for a month before filming began. Co-star Dedee Pfeiffer (Michelle's kid sister) admitted in the audio commentary that she found albino Billy quite sexy. Which is not at all weird.


And now for The Da Vinci Code, that incredibly pompous movie based upon the incredibly shitty book of the same name. Paul Bettany plays Silas, a gigantic albino monk who has been recruited as a hit man by...um...some guy for some reason I don't remember right now. Anyway, who cares? The Silas of Dan Brown's badly written book was utterly evil, an absolute - or rather a caricature of an absolute as written by a nap-deprived 2 year old. Hey Danny, ever hear of character development? Anyway, Silas fares somewhat better in the film version, portraying Silas as a misunderstood, misled man-child, who doesn't really understand what he's doing or why, but blindly follows his faith just like a good Christian should. Also, Paul Bettany just plain old rules. I don't care how many crappy films he's done, he's hot, he's cool and he writes a mean Twitter rip:


I would also at this juncture like to point out that Paul Bettany has been married to smoking hot sexy star kitten galore Jennifer Connolly since 2003. They have two kids together, which proves they've had sex, a mental image which will blow the mind of anyone who ponders it too long. Galaxies will collide and explode at the very idea of two such gorgeous creatures having orgasms together! So yeah, I very much doubt he's a "faggot." And even if he was, I'd dress up like a choir boy and bend over for him.

And last but not least is 1987's The Princess Bride, in which actor Mel Smith played The Albino, a straightforward kinda guy who works in the torture chamber below Prince Humperdinck's castle, sponging blood off of Westley and aimlessly pushing wheelbarrows around the forest. Mel Smith also showed up in an episode of The Young Ones as a security guard who has a serious problem with a ferret being named "Bacon Sandwich." But he was not an albino in that show, so whatever.



And no, I am not including Powder in this write-up, partly because Victor Salva is a pederast, but mostly because Powder looks more like a Thriller era Michael Jackson than a Boondock Saint.