Seven Hecks

Well, tomorrow night is it. The last Game of Thrones. Well, at least until all of the spinoffs and cash cows start up; prequels and re-imaginings and How I Met Your Mother of Dragons, etc. And I myself just have a few minor and admittedly petty gripes...

7 - Tysha. Okay yeah, I was annoyed when Jaime sprung Tyrion from the joint and smuggled him out of King's Landing without telling him the truth about Tyrion's first wife. But then, when Tyrion finally got the chance to repay the favor, freeing Jaime just before King's Landing was burned right down to the goddamned rubble, and even hugging him and sobbing, knowing they would never see one another again - why then did Jaime not blurt out the truth, for fucks sake? "She (Tysha) was no whore. I never bought her for you. That was a lie that Father commanded me to tell. Tysha was ... she was what she seemed to be. A crofter's daughter, chance met on the road." But nooooo, Jaime just couldn't fucking wait to make it back to his bitchy sister with the bad haircut, hoping for a magical escape into Splash Mountain or whatthefuckever. Dammit Jaime, you really are hateful. 

"I was in Last of the Mohicans, wtf happened?"

6 - Cersei's Death. "And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you." Such were the words of Maggy the Frog, a witch who correctly predicted Cersei's future...except for that last part. Unless, of course, the name of that particular part of the Red Keep that collapsed on Cersei's head was High Valyrian for "little brother" and unless one of the stones that fell on her managed to turn itself into a fist and throttle her to death, how the fuck is getting buried under an avalanche of castle rock equal being strangled to death by a younger sibling? And I'm sorry but after 8 long seasons of her sneering bitchface gloating and scheming, I wanted her to really, truly suffer to death in unspeakable agony. But I've also been told that I need serious psychological help, too.

dat azz

5 - Yara & Euron. Screw Jaime, why does he get to kill every potential king? I wanted to see Yara show up with her smug smile and her tight ass and say: "This is for me and Theon" and then curb stomp the bug eyed scumbag to death on the stones of the shore. Then she and Dany could have hooked up and ruled as Lesbian Queens over all and the hell with prophecy.

4 - Tyrion Targaryen. So not much was made of this in the series, but in the books we are constantly reminded of why exactly Tywin Lannister hated his dwarf son so much; because he doubted that Tyrion was actually his. Yes, at one point, he does admit that he kept Tyrion alive because he's a Lannister, but keep in mind that Tywin was married to his own cousin, who was already a Lannister, and who Tywin was apparently gaga over. Joanna Lannister, Tyrion's mum, had at one point been raped by the Mad King, aka Dany's daddy, throwing his true parentage into question. The reason the dragons accept him, and the reason he's so stunted and deformed (much like Dany's miscarried freak baby with Drogo) is because he's a fucking Targaryen, and has a better claim to the Iron Throne than either Dany or Jon.

"Wanna go live with me at Hill House?"

3 - Daario Naharis. I wanted this badass mofo to show up with Euron's Golden Army (Urine's Golden Army, indeed - Euron Greyjoy is the Donald Trump of Westeros) and turn traitor at the last second, saving Rhaegar and absconding with Dany, back to Mereen or where the hell ever, to live happily ever after. And yes, they can take Yara with them. And Grey Worm and Missandei, it'll be the fucking Brady Bunch of Essos.

2 - Robin Arryn. I don't really care, but...well, what did happen to this creepy little snotbag? Is it too late to see him get eaten by Nymeria, thereby tying up two loose ends at once? Or hey, maybe even Nymeria being ridden by Edmure Tully, thereby tying up three loose ends?

*insert bad joke about doin' it doggy style here*

1 - Sansa & Sandor. The Great War has been won by the living and everybody is getting their drunken freak on. Both Arya and Brienne, our long-standing virgins, finally lose their maidenshields to the mightiest of unsheathed swords...or whatever. And Sansa Stark, Lady of Winterfell, She who will probably be first in line to have her lily white ass roasted by a dragon in the very near future, the Little Bird who has been beaten, humiliated and repeatedly brutally raped - quite likely in every orifice - by her intensely hateable Joffrey x a gabillion psychoskull filled with fuckpudding husband Ramsay...she can't get just one fucking night of reverse cowgirl bouncybouncy? We've been waiting since - what, Season 2 or is it 3? - for her to see Sandor Clegane again? They always had a little crush on one another, even if neither would ever admit to it. And suddenly there he is, all alone, mostly drunk and rejecting the Winterfell hired help. Sansa has her chance. She takes it, sitting down opposite him and even taking his hand. Come on you guys, FUCK ALREADY! Don't just get up and walk away, girl. Do a little Cersei - turn back and give him an expectant look, a "come hither thou mutilated brute" look. Let him follow you down a dark corridor to your no doubt cozy suite and then boink like mad mutherfuckers until the sun comes up. Have a nice memory to look back upon before you both die. Everyone else in the fucking castle got in a round of dirty rooty-patootie except for those two? The only two I cared about smashing? It's not like you're going to ruin the rest of the series by shattering the sexual tension, the fucking show ends tomorrow. You blew it. It's as if a million G-spots suddenly deflated and were silent forevermore.

Crime, Cryptids & Countdowns

Top 4 Top Fives

I have a new addiction: countdown shows. I have precious little free time, being too busy in the mornings getting ready for work, and being too tired when I come home at night to concentrate on anything more intricate than a glass of bourbon. I love watching true crime shows and paranormal reality shows, but it’s kinda hard to commit yourself to a forty minute+ program when you’re also trying to get dressed, put your face on, eat your coffee and drink your cereal. Clocking in at approximately ten minutes per episodes, these little countdown shows are perfect for the morbid bitch on the run, eager to absorb as much information in as little time as possible. 

#1 - Scary Mysteries - So there I was, innocently searching the depths of YouTube for a recording of an alleged Bigfoot call I’d heard once, back in the 90s, on some paranormal show or another (incidentally, it was this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV4vnp65Kgw ) - because I’m weird like that and have no life - when I stumbled upon this series. It lured me in with Bigfoot calls, seduced me with horrific cautionary tales from the Mariana Web and had me thoroughly hooked with stories of time travel, alien abductions and Cryptid sightings. For reasons unknown, each segment begins with what sounds like a muffled toilet flush. But they’re well researched, clearly narrated and tidier than a crisp police file from the 40s, filled with sepia photos and plastic wrapped clues tucked away in the dusty closet of a retired and cynical private eye.

#2 - Top5s - This one is probably my favorite. I have no idea who the man behind Top5s is, only that he’s young and English and has a very soothing voice. I could fall asleep listening to him discuss haunted houses, serial killers and the dark histories of the London underground. He has a lovely lilting, plaintive voice and seems to honestly care about his chosen subjects, often speaking in revered tones and pleading compassion for the victims. It’s impossible not to like him. He speaks so eagerly, but never obnoxiously, and his subjects are tirelessly researched, often revealing details that I had never before known despite my many years as a connoisseur of all things weird and occult. Each episode is painstakingly pieced together, loaded with perfect accompanying photographs and soft, subtle, eerie music. I haven't seen a single boring episode yet. So Top5s, whoever the hell you are - Bravissimo!

#3 - Slapped Ham - This show is the polar opposite of Top5s, narrated by a frighteningly cheerful Brit (or maybe Aussie, I suck at accents) named, I think, Callum; a chipper dork whose smile is just short of pervy. But hey, what else could you honestly expect from a guy who calls his show Slapped Ham? He covers pretty much anything and everything paranormal, sunnily showing us footage of poltergeist tantrums, sea serpent sightings, UFO footage, Bigfoot encounters, the facts behind spontaneous human combustion and scads of other weirdo shit. He is jovial throughout, and although a lot of the footage and photos presented more often than not tend to elicit cries of “Oh BULLSHIT!” from me, it’s a lot of fun to watch and consider, and he ends every episode with a ridiculous cry of “POOOOOOOOOOOO!” as he leaps out of frame. Silly stuff, but likable as hell

#4 - Criminally Listed - This one is oddly hypnotic, due in part to the sorrowful undercurrent of morose music that flows just beneath every episode, mostly because the guy who narrates it sounds like a robot. And maybe it is a robot, but I’ve never heard a robot with a Canadian accent before. This guy leans heavily towards the true crime stuff - mysterious disappearances, unsolved murders, serial killers, etc. But seriously, does this guy really sound like this? Or is it simply Stephen Hawking as Dudley Doo-Right starring in “The Xanax Addicted Cyborg Story?”

So, if you’re like me (and I know I am) - pressed for time but eager to force feed your brain with creepy tidbits, grim legends and cold cases concerning colder corpses (because, you know, someday you may be presented with the opportunity to appear on Jeopardy and clean house in the “Things Only I Know” category) give any of these guys a spin. They’re like snack sized handfuls of Sightings, Forensic Files, Ghost Hunters and/or Unsolved Mysteries. 

And if you know of any others that I didn’t mention, feel free to mention them yourselves. I need moar showz!