~~~This review was originally written in 2010~~~
Where is Billy Drago when you need him? And by that, I don’t mean that he should have been in this film. I mean that he should have machined gunned it down in cold blood and made it scream like a stuck Irish pig. Did that reference go over your head? Sorry. Now would be the time to look up and read the director’s name. Yes, that’s right – Jason Connery. Sean’s son. The Devil’s Tomb is to Jason what that red banana warmer outfit was to Sean in Zardoz: it’s a hideous sight that does not need to be seen and which would be better off erased from humanity’s collective conscious.
An elite Army squadron is recruited to go and rescue a scientist from the bowels of a secret laboratory deep in the Mideastern desert. Nothing else is to be removed from the site but the scientist, and his expressionless, tight lipped daughter is in charge of the operation. Cuba Gooding Jr. knows something is rotten in Denmark, but he’s a damn fine soldier who obeys orders, HOOAH! The team is comprised of every available stereotype that could possibly be crammed into one film: a nerdy, whiny bespectacled tech geek, a lecherous scumbag, a spicy Latino gung-ho gunman, a handsome soldier named Hicks (cough) and two girls; a Catholic lesbian and a bisexual Asian hottie. I was waiting for Ripley to show up and be done with it.
Apparently, the scientists were messing around with more than bunsen burners and Erlenmeyer flasks in their top secret bunker and have literally unleashed a plague of Biblical proportions, complete with boils. The Hooah Herd soon realizes that they’ve been dragged into a fubar clusterfuck from which there is no escape. So, they fill up the downtime in between by being incredibly stupid, wandering off alone in response to spooky noises and doing everything that slasher film victims are expected to do, only in Army issue cammies instead of short skirts and high heels.
I had a sinking feeling that this was going to be an Aliens ripoff from the word go, and had my suspicions confirmed about an hour in when – lo and behold – the plot coughs up some aliens. There are lines of dialog and several scenes (including one brazen shot of a slime-covered locater bracelet being slowly lifted from a steam grate decorated floor) which are directly lifted from James Cameron’s 1986 film. You know, there’s a fine line between an homage and outright fucking theft. To say that the line is blurred here is a polite understatement.
Anyway, the story goes from incomprehensible to downright messy as it liberally borrows plot elements from Black Hawk Down, Event Horizon, Prince Of Darkness and Resident Evil. And for the life of me, I cannot figure out what the hell Cuba Gooding Jr. is doing in this mess. Or, for that matter, Ron Perlman, Bill Moseley and Henry Rollins. Apparently, nepotism can score you a fine cast, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee a good film. And this is not a good film. It’s shit, and none of the aforementioned cult horror favorites can save it, despite their best attempts.
Bottom line: The Devil’s Tomb is an insultingly predictable and stupid mess which wastes its talents and your time. Don’t bother.
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