Seven Hecks

Well, tomorrow night is it. The last Game of Thrones. Well, at least until all of the spinoffs and cash cows start up; prequels and re-imaginings and How I Met Your Mother of Dragons, etc. And I myself just have a few minor and admittedly petty gripes...

7 - Tysha. Okay yeah, I was annoyed when Jaime sprung Tyrion from the joint and smuggled him out of King's Landing without telling him the truth about Tyrion's first wife. But then, when Tyrion finally got the chance to repay the favor, freeing Jaime just before King's Landing was burned right down to the goddamned rubble, and even hugging him and sobbing, knowing they would never see one another again - why then did Jaime not blurt out the truth, for fucks sake? "She (Tysha) was no whore. I never bought her for you. That was a lie that Father commanded me to tell. Tysha was ... she was what she seemed to be. A crofter's daughter, chance met on the road." But nooooo, Jaime just couldn't fucking wait to make it back to his bitchy sister with the bad haircut, hoping for a magical escape into Splash Mountain or whatthefuckever. Dammit Jaime, you really are hateful. 

"I was in Last of the Mohicans, wtf happened?"

6 - Cersei's Death. "And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you." Such were the words of Maggy the Frog, a witch who correctly predicted Cersei's future...except for that last part. Unless, of course, the name of that particular part of the Red Keep that collapsed on Cersei's head was High Valyrian for "little brother" and unless one of the stones that fell on her managed to turn itself into a fist and throttle her to death, how the fuck is getting buried under an avalanche of castle rock equal being strangled to death by a younger sibling? And I'm sorry but after 8 long seasons of her sneering bitchface gloating and scheming, I wanted her to really, truly suffer to death in unspeakable agony. But I've also been told that I need serious psychological help, too.

dat azz

5 - Yara & Euron. Screw Jaime, why does he get to kill every potential king? I wanted to see Yara show up with her smug smile and her tight ass and say: "This is for me and Theon" and then curb stomp the bug eyed scumbag to death on the stones of the shore. Then she and Dany could have hooked up and ruled as Lesbian Queens over all and the hell with prophecy.

4 - Tyrion Targaryen. So not much was made of this in the series, but in the books we are constantly reminded of why exactly Tywin Lannister hated his dwarf son so much; because he doubted that Tyrion was actually his. Yes, at one point, he does admit that he kept Tyrion alive because he's a Lannister, but keep in mind that Tywin was married to his own cousin, who was already a Lannister, and who Tywin was apparently gaga over. Joanna Lannister, Tyrion's mum, had at one point been raped by the Mad King, aka Dany's daddy, throwing his true parentage into question. The reason the dragons accept him, and the reason he's so stunted and deformed (much like Dany's miscarried freak baby with Drogo) is because he's a fucking Targaryen, and has a better claim to the Iron Throne than either Dany or Jon.

"Wanna go live with me at Hill House?"

3 - Daario Naharis. I wanted this badass mofo to show up with Euron's Golden Army (Urine's Golden Army, indeed - Euron Greyjoy is the Donald Trump of Westeros) and turn traitor at the last second, saving Rhaegar and absconding with Dany, back to Mereen or where the hell ever, to live happily ever after. And yes, they can take Yara with them. And Grey Worm and Missandei, it'll be the fucking Brady Bunch of Essos.

2 - Robin Arryn. I don't really care, but...well, what did happen to this creepy little snotbag? Is it too late to see him get eaten by Nymeria, thereby tying up two loose ends at once? Or hey, maybe even Nymeria being ridden by Edmure Tully, thereby tying up three loose ends?

*insert bad joke about doin' it doggy style here*

1 - Sansa & Sandor. The Great War has been won by the living and everybody is getting their drunken freak on. Both Arya and Brienne, our long-standing virgins, finally lose their maidenshields to the mightiest of unsheathed swords...or whatever. And Sansa Stark, Lady of Winterfell, She who will probably be first in line to have her lily white ass roasted by a dragon in the very near future, the Little Bird who has been beaten, humiliated and repeatedly brutally raped - quite likely in every orifice - by her intensely hateable Joffrey x a gabillion psychoskull filled with fuckpudding husband Ramsay...she can't get just one fucking night of reverse cowgirl bouncybouncy? We've been waiting since - what, Season 2 or is it 3? - for her to see Sandor Clegane again? They always had a little crush on one another, even if neither would ever admit to it. And suddenly there he is, all alone, mostly drunk and rejecting the Winterfell hired help. Sansa has her chance. She takes it, sitting down opposite him and even taking his hand. Come on you guys, FUCK ALREADY! Don't just get up and walk away, girl. Do a little Cersei - turn back and give him an expectant look, a "come hither thou mutilated brute" look. Let him follow you down a dark corridor to your no doubt cozy suite and then boink like mad mutherfuckers until the sun comes up. Have a nice memory to look back upon before you both die. Everyone else in the fucking castle got in a round of dirty rooty-patootie except for those two? The only two I cared about smashing? It's not like you're going to ruin the rest of the series by shattering the sexual tension, the fucking show ends tomorrow. You blew it. It's as if a million G-spots suddenly deflated and were silent forevermore.