3 From Hell

By Versipellis (Thanks for taking a bullet for us, Versi!)

3 From Hell starts off where The Devil’s Rejects left us, with Captain Spaulding (the late Sid Haig), Otis Driftwood (Bill Moseley), and Baby (Sherri Moon Zombie) driving their car into a hailstorm of bullets, which against all common sense and reality, all three survive the onslaught.  Clips of the survivors in the hospital overlap with news footage about the Devil’s Rejects Cult(?) beating the odds and facing criminal charges for mass murder, while also featuring their followers chanting “Free The Three!” with more than a subtle nod towards the Manson Family. We witness The Three entering the courtroom, and then prison, as sentences are handed down.  Only Captain Spaulding is given the Death Penalty, but we get to see Sid Haig in interviews before his death. Looking rather fragile and smaller than we last saw him (after having suffered a fall and significant hospital time off screen), Sid still commands the screen and stands fierce as Spaulding, even with the corny dialogue scripted by Zombie, he gives a memorable, defiant performance.  Sadly, he only gets a few minutes of air time before his character is executed.

We then are shown Otis and Baby in prison, fresh with jailhouse ink (which surprisingly looks authentic) and are introduced to warden Virgil (Jeff Daniel Phillips, another Zombie regular), as well as a sadistic prison guard, Greta, (played by a nearly unrecognizable Dee Wallace with short black hair and glasses).  Baby comes before the parole board and of course, is denied parole, after which she breaks Greta’s nose and is brought back under control. We later see Greta escorting Baby to a secluded area of the prison, where she is attacked by two female inmates (in stereotypical exploitation style), but, of course, Baby kills them and writes a love note to Greta in their blood on the floor.  Even though she was handcuffed. And shackled. And the others were not. And they had weapons.

Otis is then shown shackled and riding in the back of a pick-up truck, on a chain gang with other inmates, the most notable being Rondo (Danny Trejo). While they are digging their ditches (but not burning through the witches), Otis keeps eyeballing Rondo, even after the guards warn him to stop.  Suddenly, a man shows up with a shotgun and succeeds in taking out all the guards. We are introduced to Winslow Foxworth Coltrane (Richard Brake), who is referred to as Foxy, and evidently the half-brother of Otis. Otis kills Rondo, after which the men leave, but remain close to the prison so they can hatch a plan to free Baby.   The brothers decide to go to the home of Warden Virgil, where they detain the Warden’s wife.  When Virgil arrives, the men restrain him, and inform him of their plan to liberate Baby. The Warden obeys their demands, and manages to smuggle Baby out of the prison in a female guard’s uniform (which miraculously worked, even though she is the only guard under 50, with long blonde hair, full makeup, and that ever annoying laugh) and reunites her with Otis and Foxy.  Thus begins their bloodbath, starting with the Warden and his wife, and the trio is once again on the run.  Baby comes up with the brilliant idea of going to Mexico, where she is certain no one will recognize them, after killing a man she meets by a soda machine (brief cameo by Sean Whalen, whom I always enjoy see getting screen time), who happens to be dressed in a sombrero and wearing a fake moustache and blanket.  The brothers agree, and they are off to Mexico.

Mexico is, of course, presented as a complete shithole, and we are introduced to the Estrella de Motel’s Manager, Carlos Perro (Richard Edson).  The “star of the motel” (which is what the name of the hotel translates to) is a sleazy opportunist who brings The Three to their grande suite, the highlight of which has an old turntable and a toilet.  He invites them down to party that night, being it’s the Day of The Dead (I am guessing since everyone in town is painting their faces as sugar skulls. Even the men. Or maybe its another Zombie touch to add to stereotypes).  They discuss missing Spaulding, and Baby says she feels alone. Otis states it’s still the two of them, to which Foxy gets angry, and Otis begrudgingly acknowledges that he is now one of them. Baby dons her stolen Native Headdress and grabs her bow and arrows she took from the Warden’s House,  and somehow gets an Indigenous-esque revealing dress to complete her look of cultural insensitivity and appropriation. I guess those dresses are in high demand in Mexico. In rural Mexico. In the ghettoest dive bar in Mexico. Edson makes a call to Aquarius (Emilio Rivera), the head of a Satanic killing squad consisting of men in white polyester suits, pointy boots, and luchador masks with pentagrams on their foreheads.  Aquarius also happens to be Rondo’s son, and seeks his revenge on The Three. Edson informs him they are at the motel, and he tells him to make 3 coffins. The Three arrive at the bar, and commence to drink and hook up with sugar-skull painted prostitutes (of course), while Baby goes outside and challenges two men to a knife throwing contest.  Which she wins. Of course. The only one who can throw a bullseye while barely glancing at the target.

The next morning, we see Otis in bed with two of the women, reading a comic to them, (one of Zombie’s, naturally), which is exactly what one would do after a night of debauchery with prostitutes.  Foxy, meanwhile, wakes up with another sugar skull painted lady of the evening, and is watching the original Hunchback of Notre Dame on television. The woman has never seen it, and Foxy explains it to her.  She says she has always wanted someone to take her away from this shithole, to which Foxy replies that he is her knight in shining armor. Or a ratty blanket I suppose. True love indeed. Baby wakes to a knock on the Presidential suite’s door, and it’s Sebastian (Pancho Moler), a little person with an eyepatch, who has brought her arroz con frijoles for breakfast, which fascinates Baby (of course it does), as she cannot understand how “they eat this for breakfast here”.  She invites Sebastian to stay as she eats, telling him he reminds her of her brother, Tiny (who died in the previous film, and was actually a giant), and they form a bond over this. Baby looks out the window to see Aquarius and his henchmen, and dons her Native American gear once again, while Sebastian goes to inform her brothers of the arrival of the scary Satanic luchadors in polyester suits.

More bloodshed ensues, as the henchmen kill the prostitutes, and are taken out one by one by Baby’s bow and arrow skills to the accompanying soundtrack of In A Gadda Da Vida, while Otis kills Edson for being a rat.  Foxy, unfortunately gets captured by Aquarius, as well as Baby, and are tied up and used as bait to get Otis to come forward from hiding. A duel of machetes ensues between Otis and one of the henchmen, while Sebastian shows up to free Foxy and Baby.  He is rewarded for his efforts by a bullet through his skull from Aquarius. Eventually, The Three take out all the big bad Satanic wrestlers, and place Aquarius inside one of the coffins meant for them. Otis burns him alive, while the film fades to the three leaving the city. I really wanted to enjoy this film.  I do enjoy some of Zombie’s films. I loved Lords of Salem and House of 1000 Corpses.  I enjoyed parts of Halloween and even the loathsome 31. But this was just so tedious and filled with ridiculous concepts and dialogue, that I quickly grew bored.  I felt he could have really expanded on Baby’s further descent into madness, especially after losing her father (Spaulding). But instead we are shown her imagining a dancing woman wearing a kitty mask, and begging her to returnn so she isn’t alone anymore.  And Foxy’s character had potential, but was sadly just another lame attempt to replace Captain Spaulding, with no further character development. He is a great actor, and I have seen him play roles fantastically, but he did fall a little short in this role.

Unlike his previous efforts, there are no real memorable lines here, and not very memorable moments.  I enjoyed a lot of the brief cameos more than the actual film (Clint Howard as Mr. Baggy Britches was entertaining), and it was enjoyable seeing Sean Whalen and Bill Oberest Jr. appearing as well.  But overall, I was yawning throughout most of it and glad when it ended. The gore is rampant, and there is some gratuitous nudity throughout, and while it was wonderful to see Sid Haig, and Bill Mosely was enjoyable as Otis, it just felt like it was thrown together quickly and was a real hot mess.  I rate it 3 out of 10, for Pancho Moler’s performance, the mugshot of Foxy smiling while wearing a Disco Sucks t-shirt, and for Otis showing his buttcrack while peeing in the House of Ill Repute.  Watch it if you want to see poorly coordinated exploitation, or Bill Mosely’s buttcrack. Otherwise, I would advise you to watch something else.